Oops!

In his book, The Reason for God, Tim Keller tells the following story:

Andrew Delbanco is a humanities professor at Columbia University. Some years ago he was doing research on Alcoholics Anonymous and was attending AA meetings around the country. One Saturday morning in a New York City church basement he was listening to a “crisply dressed young man” who was talking about his problems. In his narrative he was absolutely faultless. All his mistakes were due to the injustice and betrayals of others. He spoke of how he was going to avenge himself on all who had wronged him. “His every gesture gave the impression of grievously wounded pride,” Delbanco wrote. It was clear that the young man was trapped in his need to justify himself, and that things could only get worse and worse in his life until he recognized this. While he was speaking, a black man in his forties, in dreadlocks and dark shades, leaned over to Delbanco and said, “I used to feel that way too, before I achieved low self-esteem.”

I know that low self-esteem isn’t a joking matter for many of us, but maybe it should start to be. God seems to keep allowing things to happen in my life to help me “achieve low self-esteem.” Last night, at a special classis meeting, when I introduced myself I couldn’t remember the name of our church. (Actually, I could remember the name, but I kept thinking to myself, “That can’t be it. That can’t be it.”) Six years ago, when I sent my profile to Bellevue Reformed Church (there, I got it right; when I got home last night I wrote it out 50 times before I went to bed), one member of the search committee (justifiably) wanted to set aside my profile because I had misspelled my own name. Talk about a close call.

Delbanco writes about the young man in the story, “It was clear that the young man was trapped in his need to justify himself….” Another thing that happened last night was that another pastor came up to me before the meeting began and said she heard I’d been roughed up a bit by someone at the last homosexuality dialogue I attended. Before I could ask her how she found out, she told me that the same thing happened to her this last week. She also implied that the same person did the roughing up. Now, I have to admit that the experience had been more than a little humiliating. Of course, discovering another “victim” was just what the doctor ordered. I then proceeded to say things that were less than complimentary about the “accuser,” just to make sure I had achieved the redemption I so clearly deserved. (I did this only a few minutes after I had oh so heroically walked up to the person who had shamed me and greeted her warmly.)

No one likes to be embarrassed. I also know that there is an unhealthy kind of low self-esteem that can be debilitating. But I’m guessing that I’m not the only one that often feels the need to justify myself — as in justifying a particular mistake or sin or, more generally, doing and accomplishing things to justify my existence. I wonder what it would mean to really live into the basic New Testament doctrine of “justification by grace through faith.” What if I believed (by faith) in the core of my being that because of the cross and because I have already been adopted into the Family of the Trinity, I no longer have to justify my behavior or my existence? What if I could accept my little blunders and even the ”sins” I commit, as well as the unfair things that are said about me, as opportunities to achieve low self esteem instead of trying desperately to escape it all of the time? What if being “esteemed” was not only bumped down the list of my goals in life, but removed altogether?

Kind of gives new meaning to the word “freedom,” doesn’t it?

I am loved X Three. You would think that would be enough.

 

Explore posts in the same categories: Forgiveness, Freedom, Grace, Humility, Pride